A Dream

My first dream without the darkness.

It’s raining outside and I am listening to the soft pitter-patter through the open window. My hair is still damp from the shower and my skin feels soft and warm. My feet are bare and curled underneath me as I sit lotus-style. I feel like I am levitating. I look beneath me and catch my breath as I feel the earth under my toes shift. Where once were shadows, drought-ridden grass, and brittle leaves are a lush foundation.

I float home in my dream- I walk through my parent’s home looking at the same tired furniture that has followed me through my short little life and stare at each piece as though I hadn’t really noticed before. My senses are sharpened. As if before I was looking at life through a peephole—focused on the present passion, void of the larger picture, the completeness that life has to offer. “It has always been there for the taking!” shouts the oak table I drag the back of my hand across. “We knew you’d take awhile” the Matruska dolls proclaim. “Yes, we’ve been waiting patiently for you to get it”, chirps the cheeky metal dog-nutcracker. And it is true. I see. More important, I feel. This feeling transcends everything I have ever thought to be fact.

And it hits me. Over and over. The wind that blows through my hair and tickles my chin; the foundation of grass beneath my toes supporting, unfailing; the bead of perspiration appearing on my chest reminding me I possess intense passion; the whisper in my ear reminding me that I am beautiful and loved and wonderful; and the amazing hunger in my mouth and on my lips that will never, ever be satisfied.

But, then I wake up. And I am sore, tired, brittle, broken, and cold and CANCER is taking it's hold. It coils around my feet and slowly tightens, restricts.....until there is no room for you.

Balance

I've been playing with the power cards Mama lent me. Somedays I just shuffle through them discarding card after card until one strikes me or suits my mood. My first pick today was balance. Appropriate to the chaos that has been my life over the past month. Not all chaos is bad, sometimes it is a necessary catalyst, like a heavy rainstorm that turns up new growth, but in my case, it borders on too much to handle. So, Balance.

The structure of your daily spiritual life must be built on a strong foundation in the physcial world, like a pillar of selected stones balanced carefully one on another. Take care of your body through diet and exercise. Express your strength in acts of power, and bring greater awareness to the exchange of money. Protect and nourish your family, and express your integrity by bringing balance into society and nature. Then you will be prepared in the physcial for higher spiritual learning. Your being is like a spirit lodge, the foundation of which is rooted in physical manifestation- strong against the storms along the trail to higher consciousness. To take power, make your spirit available. Take your power and bring your physcial and spiritual natures in balance.

The house

I keep having this dream where I am visiting the same house. A house with a hidden room. It is a large house. At least 3 stories tall. It is wide and airy yet intricately built and carefully decorated. Everything in this house seems to be in the right place yet people are wandering around "checking" out things as if it were a type of museum. Several friends pop up in this dream and are accompanying me in my task of removing all the art and breakables from the walls so that they aren't damaged in the storms that are starting to roll in. We move from room to room removing the objects and placing them in safer locations. Now it is just two of us--Eric and I. We wordlessly work at the task at hand. He is calm but moves quickly and methodically and wears the same scarf as appears in each dream-- this time it is black and gray. There is a sense of urgency yet calm in the dream. Lots of black and white. Dancing too. I keep looking for my partner but he's no where to be found and I have to turn away others who approach me for fear of missing my partner. Where is my partner? Oh, wait, it's not even clear that I have one or that they are a he or she. The earth is present as well-- strong and pungent. The dance floor is clay dirt. We kick up red dust as the band plays. The need to find my partner dissapates and I move towards openings on the floor. When the space I occupy becomes crowded I leap frog to the next. Suddenly I am aware that the walls of the house are no longer there and I have moved dimensions. Same people, same place, but a different energy. It is orange and yellow. The music, oh! the music! I suddenly become aware of the band in the corner. They aren't even aware of us. Wrapped up in themeselves and the task at hand. But what is that task? Not entertaining. No, they seem to be charged with an energy of creation. They play as if each song had never been played before but it's not improv--there is a story to follow. Something they have to tell. I leave the dream with notes growing more and more distant. It's not my time yet. I'm not ready. I don't have enough information. They play an amazing version of nightswimming and I drift back into a dreamless sleep.

Postponed

Today was the toughest yet. Surgery postponed. Body was running a temperature. It's running scared. Fight or flight. Wings of a penguin. Stubborn body. What are you waiting for? Maddening. How you cling to the pain yet crumple under the emotional pain.

swollen feet, sore teeth

Swollen feet, sore teeth
Long days, longer nights
Cells multiply, are you in my blood?

Wondering, waiting
Cut it out, radiate and poision
Follow protocol, but never certain

This beautiful body is now a cage
I want to move, soar, fly
Swollen feet, sore teeth

*sigh*

Weak

Weak:
in the knees
of heart
of spirit

pain floats above the body

Flanders

Curious, coy, certain
Beautiful, playful Flanders
Proud yet unsure

Feet are steady, chest is proud
Quick to move, but legs betray
Grace replaced with uncertainty

Chirp, chirp, when you land
Mew, mew, when you need
Silence and you are master

Contra

Watcha know? Watcha see?
She's not her, her is not she
Sure, I will have this dance

Stepping, swinging, twirling
Twinkle toes? Ginger I am not
A gusto that Fred would approve

Thirty to eighty-eight, my partners
Can you read a man by his swing?
Sure, I will have this dance

Ying and Yang

A student of life
Roots define
Roots defied

A struggle- never symmetrical
Ying or Yang--Always, never both
Commitment, Discipline? Fear?

Undercurrent is electric
A passion unfurled, resting, simmering
Your touch, your look, perhaps your taste

Unknown is only certainty
You push forward, I duck and cover
Commitment is not a trait I yet posess

A letter to you

Dear You,

Oh my little one, how I miss you! Where ever have you run off to? I know, I know. You are taking time to heal, recover, and this is important. You are so strong but I worry about your insistance that the journey be done alone. Won’t you let me help? I’m not sure you know how to ask? I’m here. I will always be here. We want to get that spark back in your eyes, the laughter in your voice, and yes even the prankster in you. I’ve been dwelling on some of my favourite memories so I’m not missing you so much. Remember when you convinced the asshole conductor at Interlochen you were Swedish so you couldn’t understand his criticism of your solos? And then you had to figure out how to keep up the ruse for a week with absolutely no knowledge of the swedish language save what you picked up from the Muppet Show. Or, what about when you almost got fired that summer in new york when you dared 6 campers to jump off a bridge with their mountain bikes? It didn't matter that you made them wear their helmets!! I know you felt like a jackass, but Figgy and I laugh hysterically over the story about when you told those guys on the train out to Colorado you were an ‘awesome’ skier (thinking you’d never see them again) and then ran into them again on the mountain and proved absolutely completely otherwise…..oh, you know the list goes on....
I want you to know that I’m here. I’m waiting for you to feel better and although you may feel alone, you are not. I am with you every moment of every day waiting for your return to me. I love and cherish you. I will always take care of you and be here for you. I am strong as ever, more passionate than before, full of life, and ready to take the world by storm. Don't let this cancer define you. Define it. Now hurry up my little one, I can hardly stand to wait!
Love,
Myself

IMpromptu

And you, i feel so much affection for you, your words always so beautiful, leaving me in awe.
Let us talk of things that can be scooped up,
In the palm of our hands and held,
Like lighting bolts--so quickly here,
And gone,
leaving us waiting, wanting, For more.

Let us wander through thoughts so thick--
That we are bonded together, Like there are golden ropes across our hands and feet.

One thought strung together without anything to stop it--I need you so.

Smells like Fabric Softener

It's raining here today and I'm wearing my favourite shoes. I got them at a bazar in Augsburg. Ken bought them for me because he accidentally poured red paint all over my birks. I told him they were still wearable but couldn't resist accepting his offer--they are such great shoes. Black ankle-high wellies with blue stitching. Come to think of it I'm dressed pretty much all in black. Black jacket, black undershirt, black skirt, black tights... While it is a grey day and I am all in black I feel peaceful. Listening to the Smiths on days like today flood my senses with a lot of nostalgia. My sense of smell seems hightened lately. I wonder why? Maybe all the other senses are a little lazy today so smell wins out. Either way I am really bothered by the overpowering smell of fabric softener. I hate fabric softener. It really bugs me when people overuse this item also because it makes their clothes slimy....I dated a guy who was obsessed with it. He would use fabric softener AND dryer sheets. I hated the smell of his skin right after taking off clothes--downy, slimy, detergent-y. (I started thinking about this because my tights accidently got into Helaines wash and she uses a TON of fabric softener and well I didn't realize it until I got to work and I can smell the downy or whatever wafting from my legs...ew...)
Aren't I in a pleasant mood today...

I also dislike:
egg yolks, acrylic nails, sitting down, headaches, vacuuming, sitting in the backset, caterpillars, zoos, Hummers, people who drive Hummers, people who ONLY drink Starbucks, 2% milk, anything grape-flavoured, kitty litter, the Ohio Turnpike, layovers, fluorescent office lights, push-up bras, baseball, soda-pop, salad dressing, ikea, shopping malls, shopping.....I guess the list could go on and on. But those are the ones that round out the top 20.

Chilly Feet

So I've got cold feet. I'm nervous and scared and I know it's all normal but considering I am worried that these chilly feet aren't just the normal jitters. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always been the kid who wanted the newest toy in the playroom but wouldn't relenquish the old toy at the same time. Toy here isn't necessarily a metaphor for boys, more like independance. But I digress.

Choose Your Own Adventure

A lot of questions irritate me. Usually it’s the person behind the question that irritates me but several queries really bug me. Right at the top of the list is “If you could change one decision you made in your life what would it be” or phrased an even more irritating way is “What one decision have you made that if made differently would have impacted your life significantly (btw, i hate the word impact because it reminds me of impacted molars or poo but i couldn't think of a better word, oh, maybe influenced..)” or something like that. The truth of the matter is hindsight is 20-20. If you are 24-30 you prolly read Chose Your Own Adventure novels. I loved these books. Of course I would peek ahead and read all the possible outcomes and flip back until I found the most opportune path. My life doesn’t have the option of flipping backwards from page 121 where I fall into the black-role surrounded by man-eating tigers to page 67 where a mysterious fairy leads me to an enchanted land where I am surrounded by fun and games for all eternity. My point is that every decision I have made, for better or worse, I evaluated the situation and made my choice. Bad choices. Good choices. I can’t complain about what could’ve been or should’ve been because I’m discounting the ability that the me in that stage of development had to make decisions. This doesn’t make me free of regret, but this should make me free of that wistful, “If I had only…”

Nada Surf

Nada

inside of love
watching terrible tv it kills all thought
getting spacier than an astronaut
making out with people i hardly know or like

i can't believe what i do late at night

chorus: i wanna know what it's like on the inside of love
standing at the gates i see the beauty above

only when we get to see the areial view
will the patterns show we'll know what to do
i know the last page so well i can't see the first
so i just don't start it's getting worse

(chorus)

i can't find my way in i try again and again
i'm on the outside of love always under or above
must be a different view to be a me with a you
(chorus)

of course I'll be alright i just had a bad night

maybe if we sleep on the floor

maybe if we sleep on the floor they'll be less offended than if we're found squeezed into a twin bed, legs entwined but when we wake up they've gone out anyway
their errands make us errant but we keep quiet

right down to the tickle fight in a borrowed t-shirt in the morning light, we're living a cliche that's never looked so cute in slept-in mascara clumps cheap thrills all the high school kids took for granted good as gold in your yellow room

show me what we've been missing, slow dances and backseat kissing, writing off my family like i was 17 and know everything but got nothing to show for it

anyway there's nothing to see; take down the blinds

sun in our faces, hearts soft and green