January 22, 2009
Of hair and other things
I’m happy to write that this past week has probably been the best I’ve felt overall since this all started. My back pain is much better. I’m able to sleep without taking sleeping pills, (so far) my surgery general aches and pains are gone - I just felt kind of normal--I even went to a yoga class! However, the mouth and feet aches and pains started to increase along with me being able to pull out pretty large clumps of hair early this morning. My hair has also turned dark brown and feels much softer- like the down on a baby bird. While ginger said I may not lose much hair because of the Taxol, she warned that it may change texture or color- it's just different for each person. I just didn’t feel like crying about it - it’s just hair, right?! Anyway, I am going to make an appointment with Jen to get a style cut into my hair - might as well have fun with it. I've always looked nice in short hair!
January 18, 2009
Keep on keeping on
It has been almost a week since my last treatment and things have gone much better than the first time. I haven’t been as wiped out and out of it which is great, but other side effects seem to be kicking in like tingling in my feet, my eyebrows starting to come out and I’ve been STARVING!
The first 2 were expected, but I wasn’t planning on being so hungry and not being able to fill up. My oncology nurse told me that this is not the norm either, but was glad to hear I was eating versus the alternative. However, being the patient, you don’t want to be on the extreme side of anything so I have asked to see if there is something they can do for my next treatment that might balance this out.
The weird thing is is that even though this recovery is going better than the last, my spirits seemed to have dropped in the past couple of days and I’m not exactly sure why. I think it has to do with the reality that going through chemotherapy is changing me inside and out and it is impossible to mentally prepare for every little thing as you don’t know what the change/side effect might be and what you’ll have to do to manage or maintain it.
It seems that most of the internal things (ie, tingling feet) can be managed through some sort of medication which is good, but lets face it, the external part of my body is the part of my identity that I have to look at every day. It is for everyone. The scar on my abdomen, the teeth I am loosing, my tonenails, eyebrows, different shape of my body are all things I have to come to terms with throughout this process. I realize that some of these things are only temporary, but I guess I’m just hoping I will still recognize myself over the course of the coming months because right now, nothing feels the same inside or out.
And as I write this, I keep thinking about this one quote or part of a quote that a couple of you have shared with me - “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”. So, as you all let me drone on about my woes each week, please know that I know I’m not the only one fighting some kind of battle - we all have issues we struggle with regularly - I’m just the only one who posts it for the world to see.
The first 2 were expected, but I wasn’t planning on being so hungry and not being able to fill up. My oncology nurse told me that this is not the norm either, but was glad to hear I was eating versus the alternative. However, being the patient, you don’t want to be on the extreme side of anything so I have asked to see if there is something they can do for my next treatment that might balance this out.
The weird thing is is that even though this recovery is going better than the last, my spirits seemed to have dropped in the past couple of days and I’m not exactly sure why. I think it has to do with the reality that going through chemotherapy is changing me inside and out and it is impossible to mentally prepare for every little thing as you don’t know what the change/side effect might be and what you’ll have to do to manage or maintain it.
It seems that most of the internal things (ie, tingling feet) can be managed through some sort of medication which is good, but lets face it, the external part of my body is the part of my identity that I have to look at every day. It is for everyone. The scar on my abdomen, the teeth I am loosing, my tonenails, eyebrows, different shape of my body are all things I have to come to terms with throughout this process. I realize that some of these things are only temporary, but I guess I’m just hoping I will still recognize myself over the course of the coming months because right now, nothing feels the same inside or out.
And as I write this, I keep thinking about this one quote or part of a quote that a couple of you have shared with me - “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”. So, as you all let me drone on about my woes each week, please know that I know I’m not the only one fighting some kind of battle - we all have issues we struggle with regularly - I’m just the only one who posts it for the world to see.
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