Hot, thin air surrounding her body
too overwhelmed to take her next breath
the crickets come without warning
sounds, swarms
sweat drips down her nose hot, charged air surrounds her heart
fleeing through the thickets
looking for release
the pain comes with much warning
desire, need, Survival
lumps form in her throat
charged, volatile, ready
bring it, bring it, bring ......
release never comes
January 3, 2009
January 2, 2009
A New Year
Day 2 of a new year and I haven't stopped yet to think about what that means to me. I think I stopped thinking in years when I started bike racing 4 years ago. Time started to fall more evenly into seasons. Off-season and Race season. Not much else in between. A Ying and Yang. But not in balance. I was woefully out of balance during much of the last few years. By choice? By design? By sacrafice? In the absence of my own ability to live a balanced life with intention I fell into the trap of adapting and adopting the patterns and plans of others--at first as guidance, but eventually as wrote. Important life lessons usually come to me at an expensive price-- my mom always likes to remind me that I live life hard--I go after things I want with unrelenting passion, I fall in love hard and let my heart get shattered, I am brutally honest even when it means cutting someone out of my life--but this is the price I have always been willing to pay--depleting my emotional bank to zero to experience the satisfaction of filling it back up. I feel as though I've reached a point in my life where this type of living isn't necessary anymore. I owned it as a badge of courage, as a way to say, "I am strong. I am tough. I can do anything" yet in reality it was a mechanism I learned to apply to the crazed way I pursued life. Trying on and discarding things for fit. I think, in this new year, it would benefit me to avoid using my old mechanisms--just because they "worked"- and approaching my life with much more intention. Simple intention. Integrity. Open Heart. Looking in my mirror, not everyone else's. Something to think about.
December 30, 2008
A Dream
My first dream without the darkness.
It’s raining outside and I am listening to the soft pitter-patter through the open window. My hair is still damp from the shower and my skin feels soft and warm. My feet are bare and curled underneath me as I sit lotus-style. I feel like I am levitating. I look beneath me and catch my breath as I feel the earth under my toes shift. Where once were shadows, drought-ridden grass, and brittle leaves are a lush foundation.
I float home in my dream- I walk through my parent’s home looking at the same tired furniture that has followed me through my short little life and stare at each piece as though I hadn’t really noticed before. My senses are sharpened. As if before I was looking at life through a peephole—focused on the present passion, void of the larger picture, the completeness that life has to offer. “It has always been there for the taking!” shouts the oak table I drag the back of my hand across. “We knew you’d take awhile” the Matruska dolls proclaim. “Yes, we’ve been waiting patiently for you to get it”, chirps the cheeky metal dog-nutcracker. And it is true. I see. More important, I feel. This feeling transcends everything I have ever thought to be fact.
And it hits me. Over and over. The wind that blows through my hair and tickles my chin; the foundation of grass beneath my toes supporting, unfailing; the bead of perspiration appearing on my chest reminding me I possess intense passion; the whisper in my ear reminding me that I am beautiful and loved and wonderful; and the amazing hunger in my mouth and on my lips that will never, ever be satisfied.
But, then I wake up. And I am sore, tired, brittle, broken, and cold and CANCER is taking it's hold. It coils around my feet and slowly tightens, restricts.....until there is no room for you.
It’s raining outside and I am listening to the soft pitter-patter through the open window. My hair is still damp from the shower and my skin feels soft and warm. My feet are bare and curled underneath me as I sit lotus-style. I feel like I am levitating. I look beneath me and catch my breath as I feel the earth under my toes shift. Where once were shadows, drought-ridden grass, and brittle leaves are a lush foundation.
I float home in my dream- I walk through my parent’s home looking at the same tired furniture that has followed me through my short little life and stare at each piece as though I hadn’t really noticed before. My senses are sharpened. As if before I was looking at life through a peephole—focused on the present passion, void of the larger picture, the completeness that life has to offer. “It has always been there for the taking!” shouts the oak table I drag the back of my hand across. “We knew you’d take awhile” the Matruska dolls proclaim. “Yes, we’ve been waiting patiently for you to get it”, chirps the cheeky metal dog-nutcracker. And it is true. I see. More important, I feel. This feeling transcends everything I have ever thought to be fact.
And it hits me. Over and over. The wind that blows through my hair and tickles my chin; the foundation of grass beneath my toes supporting, unfailing; the bead of perspiration appearing on my chest reminding me I possess intense passion; the whisper in my ear reminding me that I am beautiful and loved and wonderful; and the amazing hunger in my mouth and on my lips that will never, ever be satisfied.
But, then I wake up. And I am sore, tired, brittle, broken, and cold and CANCER is taking it's hold. It coils around my feet and slowly tightens, restricts.....until there is no room for you.
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