Antsy

Okay, so I was given a false sense of wellness the day after my first chemo treatment. I came home last Tuesday night, I woke up Wednesday, had some breakfast with lou lou. It was great! Then, “it” kicked in – “it” being the effects of the chemo drugs. I’ve spent the past week trying to maintain some kind of a regular daily schedule which is very difficult to do when you feel sick (although – no vomiting so far!!!), you are fatigued (which is hard to make sense of because you feel like you aren’t doing anything to make you tired), you can’t sleep (but you’re tired and desperately just want to sleep through the entire experience), you take one step forward and then one back day in and out (very frustrating when you just want to get better and move on!).
I will say that yesterday was the best day yet and I made it out of the house to go to yoga. I mostly sat on the mat and focused on my breathing - just being around other people breathing gave me a little more inner strength. My litany of aches and pains (sore lips and teeth, dry skin, a rash on my arms, feeling “antsy”, chest pain, etc.) seemed to be more manageable. I honestly think that if it weren’t for the aching in my mouth, tounge and teeth that I’d feel quite normal. Yes, this is the first thing on my list to discuss with my doctor this week ☺

ugly

You've seen the ugly side of me
The livid, darkened, screwed up face
You've heard me shout some bitter words
You've watched me tear up tender roots
Of love, and hurl them to the wind

And wondered how some day I'd mend
The fences that are trampled down
And yet-your arms are always there
Your heart absorbs the fiercest blows

Your rough hands stroke my rumpled hair
You rock me 'til my inner child
Has spent her fury and her fear
And when she smiles and reaches out
She finds that you, my love, are here.

none

I hold my face in my two hands to keep the loneliness warm
two hands protecting, two hands nourishing,
two hands preventing my soul from leaving me in anger.

Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Sleeping Bear

Fuck it. I do not have the energy nor patience to figure this out. I tried not to let my anger take me here, but it has and after 2 sleepless nights I have made the decision (as if that were the hard part), that if I need to be held, cradled, kissed, made love to, or have my hair held away from my face as I retch into the toliet in the middle of the fucking night, well, god damn, I'd much rather sleep alone than lay awake holding my breath, afraid of waking the sleeping bear. It is worrisome, if all it takes to rile the beast is a 3am text, what about when the baby cries? My heart is open but my senses are protective and closing in. Careful, don't let the mouse king rule your castle.

preparing

My bigger focus the past few days is mentally preparing myself for my second treatment tomorrow. I’m definitely becoming a little more anxious. It is difficult to be feeling good, knowing that you are about to do something that is going to make you feel like crap. The fear of the unknown is never easy and I’m just wondering what other side effects could be lurking around the corner. But, like with many things in life, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. And who knows, I may never get there!